Words

[Julius]

I quite like what you are trying to do and what you have produced is, in my opinion, quite effective. It could do with trimming to cut out some words and make the line breaks more effective - but this seems to me a good attempt. I wonder if you have read "The Red Wheelbarrow" which is brief and holds a kick with every line break. Click on the link if interested

https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/red-wheelbarrow