03-29-2016, 02:17 PM
It's vague. It feels cliché. It sounds awkward, as there is no meter and the lines are really not end-stopped. It's vague (far too vague).
Interestingly, the part that bothers me the most is that there is seems to be little poetic thought to this. What I would have liked to see, at the very least, is a switch of lines 1 and 2. This will physically place them ("they hide") beneath the bed. This sort of thing is not always possible, but good writers can find ways to accomplish it. I've seen it from many poets in a few languages, Physically reflecting an image within the lines themselves is probably my favorite thing to do, and you've missed a good opportunity here.
Interestingly, the part that bothers me the most is that there is seems to be little poetic thought to this. What I would have liked to see, at the very least, is a switch of lines 1 and 2. This will physically place them ("they hide") beneath the bed. This sort of thing is not always possible, but good writers can find ways to accomplish it. I've seen it from many poets in a few languages, Physically reflecting an image within the lines themselves is probably my favorite thing to do, and you've missed a good opportunity here.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona