03-31-2016, 11:02 AM
Hi there.
So, I've got to be honest. I liked where your original could have been going a lot more than where you took it.
The original had very familiar language, but you could have taken those "real monsters" and made them really scary in your own way.
To me, it seems like you took an idea that was pretty thin and pumped it full of abstract political buzzwords. There are already millions of people out to paint their artistic canvas with Trump's blood, many of whom have a bigger brush and a louder mouth. If you're going to add to the pyre, you need to light a better fire.
I suggest you go back to square one and try to fit your ideas from the revision into the original text in a more organic way.
So, I've got to be honest. I liked where your original could have been going a lot more than where you took it.
The original had very familiar language, but you could have taken those "real monsters" and made them really scary in your own way.
To me, it seems like you took an idea that was pretty thin and pumped it full of abstract political buzzwords. There are already millions of people out to paint their artistic canvas with Trump's blood, many of whom have a bigger brush and a louder mouth. If you're going to add to the pyre, you need to light a better fire.
I suggest you go back to square one and try to fit your ideas from the revision into the original text in a more organic way.