04-04-2016, 11:15 AM
Poem is sharp as a tack and I wouldn't add much, except for one teeny tiny thing that I think may be something that can benefit it (it's entirely up to you but this is merely a suggestion, what I'd do).
There is a subtle contradiction. If you're going to say "the city we lived in" it seems like you intend for it to be a faceless city, a place of many places, yet after that you mention the east side, which is contradictory and plants me down, as the reader, in a real place that I can picture clearly, which is a tad jolting. A suggestion would be to just simply say "New York" instead of "the city we lived in", or instead be a bit less obvious when you mention the east side at L4 and instead say something else.
There is a subtle contradiction. If you're going to say "the city we lived in" it seems like you intend for it to be a faceless city, a place of many places, yet after that you mention the east side, which is contradictory and plants me down, as the reader, in a real place that I can picture clearly, which is a tad jolting. A suggestion would be to just simply say "New York" instead of "the city we lived in", or instead be a bit less obvious when you mention the east side at L4 and instead say something else.