hi qv
in it's present form it's quite hard to read as a poem. in general it feels wordy does it work better with fewer words, you can still trim a fair bit more away and in doing so make the piece all the more presentable for the reader.
ps, welcome to the site.
with some parts cut away
Your words brush across my mind.
Your touch electric, powerful
could throw me against the wall.
Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite;
the image every artist craves to paint
but never captures,
you were carved from the hands of angels.
in it's present form it's quite hard to read as a poem. in general it feels wordy does it work better with fewer words, you can still trim a fair bit more away and in doing so make the piece all the more presentable for the reader.
ps, welcome to the site.
(04-04-2016, 11:18 AM)Queerventions Wrote: Your words brush across my mind like I'm feeling your hand slightly and gently on my arm. Your touch sends electric[,] so powerful through my body it could throw me against the wall. Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite traveled millennia to be graced upon you. You are the image every artist craves to paint but can never capture, [s]as if you were carved from the hands of angels directly. You are what I have always needed. You are someone who will live forever. I will punch everyone in the face until someone says they can make apple juice from lemons because that's the kind of exotic you are. Only....I still haven't met you. And if I have perhaps it was in another life or I was to clouded to comprehend you yet. If you do exist I will find you, and i will give you that apple juice made from lemons.[/s]
with some parts cut away
Your words brush across my mind.
Your touch electric, powerful
could throw me against the wall.
Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite;
the image every artist craves to paint
but never captures,
you were carved from the hands of angels.