Unknown Lover

[bedeep]

Hi QV, I'm new here too and in over my head as usual. I like what Billy did with your poem.

And I also really enjoy the prose poetry style of your original, which reads to me like it's designed for spoken word, a short performance piece maybe?

I can hear a chant:

Your words brush across my mind like I'm feeling your hand slightly and gently on my arm. *beat*

Your touch sends electric so powerful through my body it could throw me against the wall. *beat*

Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite traveled millennia to be graced upon you. *beat*

You are the image every artist craves to paint but can never capture, as if you were carved from the hands of angels directly. *beat*

And so forth. Those lines, I can really feel.

From that point on I lose interest a little bit. The words are not as fresh. The "punch everyone in the face" bit is good and strong but the rest sort of waffles along, to my ear. I want it to rise even higher than those first lines.

Wailing out "Where are you?"

The apples and lemons thing feels forced. I would go right on back to those first strong statements and try to build from there.

This is my first crit in this site, so take everything I say with an extra dose of salt, and good luck with your writing!