American Beauties
#11
(03-13-2016, 06:34 AM)71degrees Wrote:  One spring the city we lived in was sex,
caught heat in cool, rainy weather

we slept next to a radiator by a window
on the east side to make this fresher right here you could use something other that the east side

it was our slice of space: damp sheets,
crepe-like wallpaper, orange and yellow

For one whole season, you left your vagina
where I could find it really like this line

Later, you thanked me, but explained
there’d been a change in our story love the phrasing of this

and you left just after all the American Beauties
broke their first blossoms
I cannot criticize much in this.  I really like it.  I think it has a style to it and voice.  The one part I would change is the bit about the east side...something else would be better...maybe even to face the rising sun.
"Write while the heat is in you...The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with."  --Henry David Thoreau
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Messages In This Thread
American Beauties - by 71degrees - 03-13-2016, 06:34 AM
RE: American Beauties - by Achebe - 03-13-2016, 07:11 AM
RE: American Beauties - by Tiger the Lion - 03-13-2016, 08:20 AM
RE: American Beauties - by Tracy Mitchell - 03-26-2016, 02:39 AM
RE: American Beauties - by 71degrees - 03-31-2016, 03:33 AM
RE: American Beauties - by whatisay-whatifeel - 03-31-2016, 01:43 PM
RE: American Beauties - by 71degrees - 04-03-2016, 09:44 AM
RE: American Beauties - by Mattp - 04-03-2016, 03:59 AM
RE: American Beauties - by (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ - 04-04-2016, 11:15 AM
RE: American Beauties - by 71degrees - 04-04-2016, 09:41 PM
RE: American Beauties - by REW - 04-05-2016, 10:56 AM
RE: American Beauties - by 71degrees - 04-08-2016, 06:01 AM



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