04-06-2016, 03:43 AM
I would dump the Donald Trump line. If I may:
Under the bed
and past the puppet
is where the battered race
of humanity lies.
They bring about their
guns, gods, and government:
these primal excuses of evolution
that ignore the truth that is.
When the sun burns out the sky,
we'll all wonder why
Donald Duck was not there for you.
Sorry. I shouldn't rewrite someone else's poetry. It's bad form. I just wanted to show you where you might go with it.
I think this poem has potential, but it needs work, imo.
I actually like the first version of the poem best. It's vague; and people can read into it their own meaning.
Under the bed
and past the puppet
is where the battered race
of humanity lies.
They bring about their
guns, gods, and government:
these primal excuses of evolution
that ignore the truth that is.
When the sun burns out the sky,
we'll all wonder why
Donald Duck was not there for you.
Sorry. I shouldn't rewrite someone else's poetry. It's bad form. I just wanted to show you where you might go with it.
I think this poem has potential, but it needs work, imo.
I actually like the first version of the poem best. It's vague; and people can read into it their own meaning.