04-07-2016, 12:17 PM
I like prose poetry, but I would break this up into more sections. If you have it in more digestible pieces then it will be easier to read.
Note that in the sentence “Your body smells like…” you start out in present tense but then switch to the rest of the sentence in the past. Maybe that is what you meant, but figured I would point it out.
Saying “I will punch everyone in the face…” seems a bit violent and rude for the poem. It jumps out at me and seems out of place. Maybe if you want some violence you can find a less coarse way of showing it, using intensity of emotion rather than something I would expect a child to say.
A lot of the sentences work, so I like it, but note the above suggestions for what I think would be improvements.
Note that in the sentence “Your body smells like…” you start out in present tense but then switch to the rest of the sentence in the past. Maybe that is what you meant, but figured I would point it out.
Saying “I will punch everyone in the face…” seems a bit violent and rude for the poem. It jumps out at me and seems out of place. Maybe if you want some violence you can find a less coarse way of showing it, using intensity of emotion rather than something I would expect a child to say.
A lot of the sentences work, so I like it, but note the above suggestions for what I think would be improvements.