04-22-2016, 05:01 AM
"Sweat"
Seventy degrees don't slow
the drop of morning's brew
or deter my tongue from parting
it from this porcelain lip.
Your wordplay is interesting.
The connection of "brew" to "dew" is almost immediate. The image of coffee and morning dew helps form a feeling of a start to something. "Porcelain lip" seems to reference the lip of a mug, which is almost sexual in light of the title and the phrase "my tongue from parting." The title also seems to reference work with the rest of the poem establishing a sense of determination behind it — "don't slow" gives a kind of "blue collar" feeling which supports this.
The images of "work", "love," and "beginning" create an interesting relationship and narrative thats adds a lot of depth to the poem's minimalism.
The only criticism I can think of is that "from/parting it from" sounds a little awkward with the two from's, though this is very minor and almost unnoticeable. I also can't help feeling there's more to say here. However, sometimes a poem exists simply to capture a moment in time.
IMO it would work best if either, or both, woman or cup could be pictured.
I think that was hinted at with "my tongue parting." Although, the image could be made stronger so long as the stillness in the poem's simplicity isn't disrupted
Seventy degrees don't slow
the drop of morning's brew
or deter my tongue from parting
it from this porcelain lip.
Your wordplay is interesting.
The connection of "brew" to "dew" is almost immediate. The image of coffee and morning dew helps form a feeling of a start to something. "Porcelain lip" seems to reference the lip of a mug, which is almost sexual in light of the title and the phrase "my tongue from parting." The title also seems to reference work with the rest of the poem establishing a sense of determination behind it — "don't slow" gives a kind of "blue collar" feeling which supports this.
The images of "work", "love," and "beginning" create an interesting relationship and narrative thats adds a lot of depth to the poem's minimalism.
The only criticism I can think of is that "from/parting it from" sounds a little awkward with the two from's, though this is very minor and almost unnoticeable. I also can't help feeling there's more to say here. However, sometimes a poem exists simply to capture a moment in time.
(04-19-2016, 12:47 AM)ellajam Wrote:
IMO it would work best if either, or both, woman or cup could be pictured.
I think that was hinted at with "my tongue parting." Although, the image could be made stronger so long as the stillness in the poem's simplicity isn't disrupted
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson