04-23-2016, 07:10 AM
Hi shaan, first off welcome to the site, 2nd, i think you're brave to put your stuff in the serious forum. i am worried that the feedback may be to harsh and to much for you in serious. i have stopped where i have stopped so i don't come off as cruel. personally i think the poem would have been better suited to mild.
(04-22-2016, 12:11 AM)shaan Wrote: Alive Reflection
Alive Reflection did you mean A Live Reflection?
Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart, maybe at [the] mirror of your heart
The essence of my being
Is all around you. the 2nd and 3rd line show very little, what is your essence? apart from being cliche they weaken the poem a lot
My breaths are embraced [my breath embraces]
On the back of your hand. [the back of your hand]
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes. this phrase doesn't work showing, alive. sparkles, anything but breathing it's something eyes seldom do.
My unfulfilled desires, longings desire and longing are more or less the same thing, pick one
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,
My tears are cling in bed folds, [tears cling]
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips, what does this phrase mean?
Is still sitting there. do tones sit?
By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart.
-- Shaan