04-23-2016, 07:15 AM
Hi Shaan,
You present a scene where the speaker is telling the subject to look into their own heart and see evidence of the relationship you once had with me (the speaker). Not a bad idea for a poem. I think to pull it off though you need to cut this down to the essence adding concrete details for the reader to latch onto.
I'll give you an example in the opening line as to what I'm talking about. I'm not suggesting you use this exact line, I just want to give you an idea of how you might do this.
Your current line:
Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart.
The key words are Reflect Mirror and Heart
The subject is to reflect on the relationship when they look in a physical mirror and that reflection should rekindle old feelings (heart).
New Version:
When you look in a mirror you see me
reflected back
I would suggest reading Ted Kooser's Abandoned Farmhouse looking for how he used the concrete detail of a house to do characterization. You're trying to do something similar here.
I hope that helps.
Best,
Todd
You present a scene where the speaker is telling the subject to look into their own heart and see evidence of the relationship you once had with me (the speaker). Not a bad idea for a poem. I think to pull it off though you need to cut this down to the essence adding concrete details for the reader to latch onto.
I'll give you an example in the opening line as to what I'm talking about. I'm not suggesting you use this exact line, I just want to give you an idea of how you might do this.
Your current line:
Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart.
The key words are Reflect Mirror and Heart
The subject is to reflect on the relationship when they look in a physical mirror and that reflection should rekindle old feelings (heart).
New Version:
When you look in a mirror you see me
reflected back
I would suggest reading Ted Kooser's Abandoned Farmhouse looking for how he used the concrete detail of a house to do characterization. You're trying to do something similar here.
I hope that helps.
Best,
Todd
(04-22-2016, 12:11 AM)shaan Wrote: Alive Reflection
Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart,
The essence of my being
Is all around you.
My breaths are embraced
On the back of your hand.
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes.
My unfulfilled desires, longings
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips,
Is still sitting there.
By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart.
-- Shaan
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson