04-23-2016, 02:34 PM
Reflect deeply at a (the) mirror of your heart, ("mirror of your heart is already an abstraction of an abstraction, that is to say, the use of "heart" is a metaphor for "love", so to say the mirror of your love without some kind of context is senseless)
The essence of my being (The writer treats the essence of a person's being as though it were some kind of mist. The idea of being is already an abstraction, so this is simply just another layers of nonsensical wording, that it it appears it appears to say something, but when really examines the content, one finds nothing of substance there.)
Is all around you.
My breaths are embraced (how does one embrace a breath?)
On the back of your hand. (How are they on the back of the hand?)
The soft heat of my velvety touch (this conveys no meaning)
Is still breathing in your eyes.
My unfulfilled desires, longings
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips,
Is still sitting there.
By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart.
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I quit the line by line because it would have been the same thing. This poem is composed of lines that lack any substance, that say nothing and go nowhere. If I were to put my response into a poem, it would be this.
I walked up to the perfume counter.
The girl behind it pulled out the atomizer
and hit me in the face with ten times the normal dose.
I didn't like perfume to begin with.
This is no where near the quality of a poem to be posted in the serious section. Not to be mean, but probably novice is where this should be, this is too lacking in substance to critique.
Best,
dale
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As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension. As it does nothing positive to the poem, but in fact weakens it, it is not a style, but an affectation.
The essence of my being (The writer treats the essence of a person's being as though it were some kind of mist. The idea of being is already an abstraction, so this is simply just another layers of nonsensical wording, that it it appears it appears to say something, but when really examines the content, one finds nothing of substance there.)
Is all around you.
My breaths are embraced (how does one embrace a breath?)
On the back of your hand. (How are they on the back of the hand?)
The soft heat of my velvety touch (this conveys no meaning)
Is still breathing in your eyes.
My unfulfilled desires, longings
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips,
Is still sitting there.
By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart.
_____________________________________________________________________________
I quit the line by line because it would have been the same thing. This poem is composed of lines that lack any substance, that say nothing and go nowhere. If I were to put my response into a poem, it would be this.
I walked up to the perfume counter.
The girl behind it pulled out the atomizer
and hit me in the face with ten times the normal dose.
I didn't like perfume to begin with.
This is no where near the quality of a poem to be posted in the serious section. Not to be mean, but probably novice is where this should be, this is too lacking in substance to critique.
Best,
dale
______________________________________________________________________________
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension. As it does nothing positive to the poem, but in fact weakens it, it is not a style, but an affectation.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.