04-24-2016, 07:13 AM
Good job on the edit, Shaan. This is significantly improved and a much tighter poem. Well done on your response to the criticism as well 
(04-22-2016, 12:11 AM)shaan Wrote: A Live Reflection
When you look deep inside your heart -- you could shorten this even further with "Look deep inside your heart/ the colors of my presence/ still surround you"
You will see the colors of my presence
are still around you.
You will feel
the velvety heat of my touch and
the fragrance of my breath
still embrace your soul. -- your grammar is not right here. Because the sentence starts with "You will feel", this line needs to be either "still embracing your soul", "will still embrace your soul" or "that still embraces your soul".
You will find the mist of my tears
is still cling in bed folds. -- grammar again -- try "is still clinging to" or "still clings to", or maybe "still lingers in"
You will hear the echo of my silence
still reverberates in the house. -- too many stills, plus echo and reverberation are the same thing really. You could try "My silence/ reverberates through the house"
By the window
with its curtains of fog,
my dusk is still waiting for a bright dawn. -- this is a really nice line
When you look inside your heart -- you use "your heart" twice in a short space, and it's not a strong enough phrase for such repetition. I'd just go with "when you look inside" on this line
my reflection still lives
in the mirror of your heart.
It could be worse