A Live Reflection

[billy]

a really solid edit shaan, and a great way to accept feedback.

the edit improves the read exponentially though there's still edits to do. strip away words that aren't needed; try and be concise. i did some suggestions, can you see any more? beware the double or triple use of words, a refrain is fine but often when a word is used more than once it weakens the line/poem. all in all a good edit.

*** Okay, with the help of all the critics I was able to come up with this version.  Please guide me if it's any better.  thanks much! ***

1st Edit:

A Live Reflection

When you look deep inside your heart
You will see the colors of my presence
are still around you.
You will feel
the velvety heat of my touch and
the fragrance of my breath
still embrace your soul.
You will find the mist of my tears
is still cling in bed folds. this line needs rewording in order to fit.
You will hear the echo of my silence
still reverberates in the house.
By the window
with its curtains of fog,
my dusk is still waiting for a bright dawn. good job with these three lines. a suggestion would be to use [dusk still waits]

When you look inside your heart can this line be better written? [is your heart needed?]
my reflection still lives
in the mirror of your heart.

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Original:

Alive Reflection
Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart,
The essence of my being
Is all around you.
My breaths are embraced
On the back of your hand.
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes.

My unfulfilled desires, longings
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips,
Is still sitting there.

By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart.


-- Shaan