05-27-2016, 05:59 PM
Hi Caleb
What I like about this poem is your use of in-rhymes and slant rhymes that give the lines a sort of natural music. I like how you've not lost control over your central argument over 3 stanzas. I also like in particular, this evocative line:
...in this old
Broken chair losing stuffing to the floor,
I found the poem to be easy to understand, without ambiguities.
Some areas for improvement are:
1) At least one instance where you've not been attentive to the metaphor: "Or in Death's sickle come to grab us" doesn't make sense as a sickle doesn't grab. Anthropomorphised, Death can come with a sickle to grab you. But the sickle itself can at best slice, not grab you.
2) The lines below, which are rather whingey, and made doubly so by the extra emphasis provided by the 'so'. It's never a good idea to directly talk about how you feel, but always a good one to indirectly bring them up through poetry.
So lonely on this Earth I pass my time,
So little on this Earth in which to place
What I like about this poem is your use of in-rhymes and slant rhymes that give the lines a sort of natural music. I like how you've not lost control over your central argument over 3 stanzas. I also like in particular, this evocative line:
...in this old
Broken chair losing stuffing to the floor,
I found the poem to be easy to understand, without ambiguities.
Some areas for improvement are:
1) At least one instance where you've not been attentive to the metaphor: "Or in Death's sickle come to grab us" doesn't make sense as a sickle doesn't grab. Anthropomorphised, Death can come with a sickle to grab you. But the sickle itself can at best slice, not grab you.
2) The lines below, which are rather whingey, and made doubly so by the extra emphasis provided by the 'so'. It's never a good idea to directly talk about how you feel, but always a good one to indirectly bring them up through poetry.
So lonely on this Earth I pass my time,
So little on this Earth in which to place
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe