05-31-2016, 07:06 PM
(05-28-2016, 11:21 AM)Pdeathstar Wrote: Me and The Black Cat (Still wise, free, and safe in our remains) In our remains? Hmm.....this isn't gonna be one of those great big rather aimless angst fests we teens often have, is it? But regardless, I do think this is a fair title -- and a fair subtitle, too, sweeter in taste as a subtitle rather than an (awkward) ending.
We are good, like God Yeah, the commas are the main source of annoyance for me here -- blocks to the fluidity of thought that just feel out of place. Moving the comma to the end, removing commas, heck, even removing all punctuation/sentence-start-capitalization would probably be better than your current set-up.
unique with a special purpose
like Satan. Is Satan good? Good question --- but then, what do you mean by good? Doesn't the fact that the speaker here deals with Satan as being "unique with a special purpose" give him, in this God-created world, inherent goodness -- you know, a la my rough knowledge of theology/Milton? No qualms with the word choice here; as much as Lucifer would feel kinda better, my later point on the Jewish God would make Satan the right choice, I think.
We have rights, like King Minor qualm with the word choice here: it's reallly easy to miss Martin Luther King here. I missed it too, until I read a few of the crits -- and though it works kind of well as just a generic king, it's not really well enough. And on the theme, although this is perhaps because I live somewhere where race doesn't seem to be that much of an issue: it's kind of weird to put the struggles of Martin Luther King over, well, everyone else below.
Although in retrospect, putting a king right below God kind of makes sense ---- until the Jesus bit below, that is.
dreaming up righteous mandates
like the Klan.
We are free, like Gandhi
to rage against the bourgeoisie Did Gandhi ever "rage"? I don't really argue with the thought choice behind rage, just the word choice -- feels too strong. With "bourgeoisie", though --- and this is an honest question, as I don't know as much about those struggles in India --- did Gandhi's message ever attempt to bring down the bourgeoisie, in one sense the ones ruling the proletariat, yet in another equally popular sense simply the middle class? Didn't he just want to, er, kick out the Brits, or at least just the Brits in power?
like old Mao.
We give hope, like Jesus Is Jesus redundant? Well, yes and no, yes in that he is God, no in that he is the Son of God, and I think in this poem the second sense prevails: God in this poem is simply the hypostasis that is the Father, ie the Jewish God. But I would rather see this as being above the two stanzas right above it, if only because it makes for a better progression, at least socially (start with the Jewish God, then with the Christian God, then with Gandhi's struggles in the 40s, then with King's struggles in the 60s, then with Buddha for the coda) -- thematically, yeah, "good, rights, free, hope" runs about right.
keeping faith in cult personalities
like Manson. God/King, Mao/Manson, Satan/Klan, consistently trisyllabic ends, and then that whole "Son of Man/Manson" thing --- dammit, as much as I'm kinda on the fence about all the social/political arrangements of this piece, your word connections are just perfect.
We still live, like Buddha
waiting for our rebirth
like a fool. Although it's kinda weird that Buddha's suddenly here, you justify it well enough with Gandhi, and yeah, this is a good end, to a very intellectually (and, with a bit of work on my part, spiritually) titillating poem. Lovely.