06-01-2016, 02:15 PM
Hi! I had a bit of a hard time getting into this at first. It's really difficult for me not to lose my place as I'm reading it because everything runs together. Which is, I understand, part of the point. But, it does make for tough reading.
If I understand correctly, and bear with with me if I don't, this is intended to be a spoken word piece? I read it out loud to myself and my ears liked it much better than my eyes did.
I think you have some great lines -- I particularly liked "it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red" I thought it had good rhythm and assonance. I also like the repetition of "don't touch the art." I thought it mixed up the rhythms a bit to keep it interesting.
But, visually I thought that all of the enjambment was actually obscuring some of your nice lines.
Thanks for the read!
lizziep
If I understand correctly, and bear with with me if I don't, this is intended to be a spoken word piece? I read it out loud to myself and my ears liked it much better than my eyes did.
I think you have some great lines -- I particularly liked "it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red" I thought it had good rhythm and assonance. I also like the repetition of "don't touch the art." I thought it mixed up the rhythms a bit to keep it interesting.
But, visually I thought that all of the enjambment was actually obscuring some of your nice lines.
Thanks for the read!
lizziep