lipstick

[msredd]

Hi! I had a bit of a hard time getting into this at first. It's really difficult for me not to lose my place as I'm reading it because everything runs together. Which is, I understand, part of the point. But, it does make for tough reading.

If I understand correctly, and bear with with me if I don't, this is intended to be a spoken word piece? I read it out loud to myself and my ears liked it much better than my eyes did.

I think you have some great lines -- I particularly liked "it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red" I thought it had good rhythm and assonance. I also like the repetition of "don't touch the art." I thought it mixed up the rhythms a bit to keep it interesting.

But, visually I thought that all of the enjambment was actually obscuring some of your nice lines.

Thanks for the read!

lizziep
 

I didn't write the poem specifically as spoken word but I think I wrote it that way in my head regardless, picturing how it would sound and where I'd breathe reading it, so it makes sense I think that it came across that way. I kind of have a tendency to write stanzas with that sort of enjambment but I'll definitely keep in mind that it can obscure the better parts of a poem as you said. Thank you for reading though I appreciate it!

I have to agree with my friend above. Audibly a here this and it's a good sensory piece. I can see the red. Imagine the heat and the not so gentle caress of the red flames against my fingertips. However, visually speaking it looked mashed. 

For this sort of poetry I get the image of a dimly lit stage and a beauty basked in shaded red light - sultry and smoky. But if the wording were her body she could sway to the beat of the word properly. Maybe add a note stating to read it aloud?

Lovely imagery, please let me know if you write more.

Asking to read it aloud is a really interesting idea actually and I'll keep it in mind; I hadn't thought of that before. I definitely do need to consider working on the poem visually as lizzie said. I really like the image of the stage, though, it comes close to what was going on in my head as I was writing I think. Thank you for the advice and thoughts though :]

Hi, ms.redd, welcome to the pen. This read beautifully for me. I continue to have the same reaction to the opening line, that it reads more slowly than the rest, I am torn between it not being as good and it being a great entry into the piece, shakes up my thinking and pacing. I enjoy the wordplay, I still have a bit of confusion about the cup and nudity, both intimate, vs the "not for you", but that may clear with more time. A few comments below.

lipstick

(shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips)
This line is not as coherent as the rest but it holds the keys and did not keep me from reading furher.

Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between   color and colorless       colorlessness    red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when        she’s   not      her mouth fraught with red hot 
Love the colornessless and the ribbon. Love the siren/fire below and the jump...black below, and the red vs black. Love the blushing/nothing/bluffing.

She’s red but not a siren red, it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red   turning red       flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she asks “Do you hear yourself?” a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, 

don’t touch       the art)       “Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not       asirenontherockslurein sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread       her words useless mouth fruitless in regard to success do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you       hear the       sound “please—don’t touch the art”             nonetheless       her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry raspberry and       the fruitless

I am missing the s in lures in. I found the spacing at "do you...sound" didn't feel as right as in the rest of the piece.

Lovely read, thanks for posting it.

Thank you :] I do need an s after "lure," thank you for pointing that out. I feel kind of stuck on the first stanza, too, I think; I like that it introduces phrases that show up later in the poem but maybe I could make it a bit more coherent/strong rather than rambling as I originally intended. As for the cup/nudity in opposition to the "not for you" message, my intended idea was that lipstick can definitely be something powerful/sensual but not necessarily worn for the sake of other people. It does sound intimate though, I admit. Thank you again though!