06-18-2016, 12:22 PM
hello [wherever you are],
[on the original] not only is this a good poem, it is a great poem. i see no point in doing a line by line, there's nothing to change—possibly the bunched up words; i'm not against it per se, but 'asirenontherockslurein' seems an unnecessarily long chain. maybe break it into smaller bunches. oh, and at a push, if it were me, i would remove the quotation marks.
i am not usually an advocate of the obvious form mirroring content—poems about flowers tabbed into daisy chains, and all that nonsense—but the 'smudging' of the poem across the 'page' complements the content perfectly. so much so, i think your edit loses quite a bit of the impact trying to force itself into a dull and boring 'poem-like' form. and i don't see the point in shying away from it either because the rest of the poem is so confident (maybe even naively confident) in its post-modernism it would be a shame to make it formally apologetic.
anyway, i think it's exceptional.
[on the original] not only is this a good poem, it is a great poem. i see no point in doing a line by line, there's nothing to change—possibly the bunched up words; i'm not against it per se, but 'asirenontherockslurein' seems an unnecessarily long chain. maybe break it into smaller bunches. oh, and at a push, if it were me, i would remove the quotation marks.
i am not usually an advocate of the obvious form mirroring content—poems about flowers tabbed into daisy chains, and all that nonsense—but the 'smudging' of the poem across the 'page' complements the content perfectly. so much so, i think your edit loses quite a bit of the impact trying to force itself into a dull and boring 'poem-like' form. and i don't see the point in shying away from it either because the rest of the poem is so confident (maybe even naively confident) in its post-modernism it would be a shame to make it formally apologetic.
anyway, i think it's exceptional.