06-24-2016, 01:24 AM
I'm also have trouble with this. Except for the rhyming couplet at the end there is nothing very poetic about this; it is more rhetoric, which is where the preachiness comes in. I like Todd's idea about immediacy.
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“I’m stupid.”
Yes, you are, the teacher thinks back. (what narrative stance allows us to know this as this is obviously something that occurred in the past. Very awkward)
"Why
can’t you can’t spell or punctuate (I think it could do without the "still" as it is implied by what follows. Also, here the the indirect object "a" is used (a student), except this seems to be referring to a single student.)
still?" a student hears again
on the last day of school
before dropping out.
The Japanese have a word
—頑張る: Ganbaru
頑 - stubborn, firm, resolute (Gan)
張 - insist, claim, pull (ba)
る - do, make (ru).
Pull yourself up firm and insist
on standing resolute! Claim it! Do it! (Sounds like a blip for some sports commercial. Pretty sure "Do it" is a Nike phrase)
Yet, back home the message: (Who is back home and who is talking to whom?)
You’re not smart naturally. It’s not
your fault you can only break your back
for life.
If the student had heard
Ganbaru
from a voice that believed,
what might have been achieved? (This seems overly simplistic. Either the child is of lower intelligence, or does not apply him/herself, but it is doubtful that such a blurb is going to bring spiritual awakening to the latter, and no amount of sermonizing will help overcome the latent physical liabilities of the first. Certainly a positive environment may have a good effect, but no one knows what will cause the light bulb to come on.)
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So yeah, In the end it seems like just so much sophistry like pull yourself up by your own boot straps, the narrator jumps all over the place and it is more rhetoric than poetry.
Best,
dale
________________________________________________________________________
“I’m stupid.”
Yes, you are, the teacher thinks back. (what narrative stance allows us to know this as this is obviously something that occurred in the past. Very awkward)
"Why
can’t you can’t spell or punctuate (I think it could do without the "still" as it is implied by what follows. Also, here the the indirect object "a" is used (a student), except this seems to be referring to a single student.)
still?" a student hears again
on the last day of school
before dropping out.
The Japanese have a word
—頑張る: Ganbaru
頑 - stubborn, firm, resolute (Gan)
張 - insist, claim, pull (ba)
る - do, make (ru).
Pull yourself up firm and insist
on standing resolute! Claim it! Do it! (Sounds like a blip for some sports commercial. Pretty sure "Do it" is a Nike phrase)
Yet, back home the message: (Who is back home and who is talking to whom?)
You’re not smart naturally. It’s not
your fault you can only break your back
for life.
If the student had heard
Ganbaru
from a voice that believed,
what might have been achieved? (This seems overly simplistic. Either the child is of lower intelligence, or does not apply him/herself, but it is doubtful that such a blurb is going to bring spiritual awakening to the latter, and no amount of sermonizing will help overcome the latent physical liabilities of the first. Certainly a positive environment may have a good effect, but no one knows what will cause the light bulb to come on.)
________________________________________________________________________________________
So yeah, In the end it seems like just so much sophistry like pull yourself up by your own boot straps, the narrator jumps all over the place and it is more rhetoric than poetry.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.