07-21-2016, 01:59 AM
(06-28-2016, 04:28 PM)Vanity Wrote: Fat man on a bikeVanity,
Cigarette hangs from his lips
He just can't commit.
The period at the end of the final line gives "commit" an absolute, taking something away from the reader. If this was my poem I'd probably go for the ellipsis to give the reader freedom to fill in the blanks or opt to use no punctuation at all. And considering haiku, you could drop the down player and the contraction and go with he cannot commit.... Although I do understand where your coming from because he simply can't commit.
Good write.
Luna
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)