Father, Have I Sinned?

[crimsonqueen]

Here, upon a stranded altar, where long days of youth are spent
At first, a hair tousle that proceeds a firm and impish grip
The pious servant demands that the sinner, of ten, repent

Lift up my heavy head and press the cup to my waiting lip
We were saved by the blood, and kept by water; seal me in this
For heaven's sake, alone, my hushed mouth will take clandestine sip

How could salvation be odious? I'm sickened by its kiss
Still, even in the warmth of bed, or mother's breast, or prayer
I'll keep my covenant, and never claim Father is amiss

I realize this meter and scheme are a bit less common..I'm not sure if I've ever seen them combined. I wanted the poem to sound a bit disjointed. Usually my poems are very melodic/rhythmic. The fractured  feeling here was intentional.

This "fractured feeling" you are striving for is successful, if that is indeed your goal.  But you should really wait to see if anyone comments on it instead of warning us about it.

The poem has comma overuse which makes reading it hard.  Don't like the question in the title and then again in the poem b/c neither are addressed nor answered. I think the poem is about the un-realized promise of salvation by body and blood, but the poem's structure is preventing me from entering the poem's images.  

I like the ending, the intro of mother/Father (purposeful capitalization, I assume)...but coming in too late for me to recapture my interest which is lost in the maze of phrases set aside by the comma usage.  

The old guard use of first word capitalized lines also adds to the confusion / fractured feeling during the read.  

I love religious based poetry and themes if they are presented in a thoughtful structure that allows the reader to ask questions. You're doing all the asking.  Decide what the poem is about and present it earlier.  That would be my main advice.

I can see two places where the comma could be removed. I removed both in this reply.

What fractures the poem the most is dactylic pentameter paired with terza rima. I wanted the challenge. I also thought it would be a good place to get out these particular thoughts.

The poem is about none of those things. The questions portray the questions in a child's mind under such circumstances. But there aren't too many posed, in my opinion. The title is tentative. The format was meant to reflect the cognitive dissonance associated with the subject. 

Thank you for your comment!!