Father, Have I Sinned?

[crimsonqueen]

Here, upon a stranded altar, where long days of youth are spent
At first, a hair tousle, that proceeds a firm and impish grip
The pious servant demands that the sinner, of ten, repent The grammar/syntax of this first stanza feels a little awkward to me. I like the images in the first two lines. The stranded altar, as if the altar is a sea lost boat or something is nice. Then the presumed daintyness of the hair tousle contrast well against the firm and impish grip. Again, I just wished it went down smoother. I assume some of the stilted writing is to satisfy the meter, which i'm admittedly not very sensitive to. Something like this would be easier to read, though far from ideal, and you'll probably loath it (it ignores the meter business!), but...

Upon a stranded altar, long youthful days are spent.
A hair tousle proceeds a firm and impish grip.
The pious servant demands the sinner repent.


Lift up my heavy head, and press the cup to my waiting lip
We were saved by the blood, and kept by water; seal me in this
For heaven's sake, alone, my hushed mouth will take clandestine sip Never heard clandestine before, I had to look it up. I like that it makes me think of candy, especially in this context, but I think its saying the same thing as hushed? Maybe omit hushed?

How could salvation be odious? I'm sickened by its kiss
Still, even in the warmth of bed, or mother's breast, or prayer
I'll keep my covenant, and never claim Father is amiss Before this stanza I would have assumed that the narrator would have been resisting all of this. I like that we get in the narrators psyche here. The amiss/kiss rhyme works well I think. I tried to figure out why mother's breast was here, and I don't have a concrete answer but it does remind me of the narrators youth, and allows me to contrast whatever this salvation liquid is with breast milk.

I realize this meter and scheme are a bit less common..I'm not sure if I've ever seen them combined. I wanted the poem to sound a bit disjointed. Usually my poems are very melodic/rhythmic. The fractured  feeling here was intentional.

I wrote a nice critique of this one then accidentally refreshed my page and lost it, so I apologize if this  version is crude! This poem has a cult vibe to it, tainted youth idk. Sounds like something a spooky little girl would say in a horror flick. I do agree with 71, that you might get a more worthwhile critique if you don't put your disclaimer at the end. After a few readings I thought about how it could be metaphor for molestation, not that forcing some one to drink something isn't a non metaphorical molestation. My critique of the first stanza was that the writing felt stilted, and I think that's my biggest gripe with the poem as a whole. Idk what your process is but maybe it would be worthwhile writing this as simply and plain as possible then add the *poetic* flourishes later, if at all? Reading this I felt like I could feel the strain of you writing it, if that makes sense? Its was an evocative poem though, hope my 2 cents helps. and thnx for sharing.

The stilted writing IS to satisfy the meter. Read a line in dactylic pentameter. It never sounds rhythmic like other meters. Stilted is usually the opposite of my problem. I've tried and failed to write the subject more directly. For your edits, that becomes free verse. I also don't feel it helps the flow. Also, "of ten" was very important. The SINNER is 10 but where do we see the proclamation of innocence? Not from the child. It highlights the hypocrisy.

Hushed satisfies the meter and, in my opinion, nails in the idea of silence. It's a narrative of both silence and secrecy.

I hope the salvation liquid should be obvious. The mother's breast is a place of safety. Just like bed and prayer. Even in these places, the secret is kept.

I personally feel every word is necessary. Here is a example of the second stanza if I wrote it in another meter and rhyme scheme

Lift my head, press the cup to my lip
I'm saved by blood and kept by water
Seal me in this clandestine, vile sip
So I may stay my Father's daughter

Also, to be CLEAR this is about a priest, not a parent.