10-26-2016, 03:56 PM
Well, Kolemath touched on a lot of the stuff I wanted to say, but I have a bit more.
Firstly, S1L3 implies something. What, I can't tell. Loves lost? Hearts broken? Men stepped on to win this girl's heart? Is she a controller? Maybe make this a bit more clear. Also, S1L9 is a bit.. Out of place. A little lustful for the context. (Unless of course I just have a dirty mind- but it seems to me the line is far from innocent.)
S3 says “you are here and I am there". Is this saying they [the speaker and the girl] have grown apart/broken up? (This is more for my clarification than crit, so feel free to disregard this from information to use to edit.)
Firstly, S1L3 implies something. What, I can't tell. Loves lost? Hearts broken? Men stepped on to win this girl's heart? Is she a controller? Maybe make this a bit more clear. Also, S1L9 is a bit.. Out of place. A little lustful for the context. (Unless of course I just have a dirty mind- but it seems to me the line is far from innocent.)
S3 says “you are here and I am there". Is this saying they [the speaker and the girl] have grown apart/broken up? (This is more for my clarification than crit, so feel free to disregard this from information to use to edit.)
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dustEdgy sayings
“Inspirational" stuff