10-26-2016, 05:43 PM
Hello, 71degrees! I think this is a lovely poem. There are a couple of areas where I wish there was a little more detail.
(10-26-2016, 03:43 AM)71degrees Wrote: My latest poem about you is a failure.
It should have been about Angel Oaks,
instead the lines contain headless men,
an unspectacular sunset.
I wanted to write about a clear stream,
a place where God is a red dot on a map,
a place where humidity and summer heat
allow sweat to form like rosary beads
in the shallows of your breasts.
I imagine you in a white dress,
poem in your right hand,
dangling inches from the floor. ~I think it would be nice for the reader to have a little bit more of a handle on who she is, maybe why she has a poem or who wrote it. This is tantalizing, and I like that it doesn't say everything. It doesn't need to say everything, just a couple more tidbits to let the reader in on the secret.
After all this, you are here
and I am there; both of us looking ~ "you are here and I am there" doesn't flow well for me. It feels very vague and it's not evocative.
through a window at old stars. ~I think you should add a modifier before windows. Right now, it's any window anywhere -- maybe add one detail to bring that image to life.
(** based on a work by Jack Vettriano)