Parents *Edit 1

[Emz]

Dear Haleinthewind,

I love this poem; your revision is much cleaner than the original.

My favourite line: 
It is said: two days make up for five.
I love how the narrator rejects this cultural concept that we can only live the two days a week that we don't work. The narrator views this attitude in his/her parents and recognises it for what it is: a bad attitude!

The first verse is interesting. Something about someone seeking only the salt of their own sweat, and choking on the water left, seems appropriately disgusting for some of the things a parent with the wrong attitude may say or do.

I am not entirely sure what the third verse is for? I can see a point about unhealthy habits, but I think you may need to take a closer look at the third verse and try to flesh out in a clearer way what it is you are trying to say.

Your fourth verse wraps it up tightly. I am just wondering about how it is punctuated in the first line, but then again I don't have alternate ideas. Maybe play around with the line a little bit, read it aloud, see how it changes in flow, etc?

Emma