rotting

[Keith]

Hi justcloudy
I think your edit enhances a poem I had already enjoyed the expansion of the upright bastion brings in a sense of pride and nurtured softness that I think the original lacked, I also like the opening as it drew me in instantly. I have put some comments below where I think further improvements could be made.
Thanks Keith

edit 

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, dully echoing in the hollow a dull echo ? I tripped a little on dully echoing and the ing stops the sonics in the line from occurring ie echo hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, subsiding great images
into holes and heaps of mush. heaps of mush implies wet to me and it seems out of place against subsidy and crumble
Crumbles gather in the dips;
microbes clamber through the litter. I have trouble liking microbes it sounds like it comes from a lab and doesn't work with the other very natural images
She was once an upright bastion,
proud of all whom she gave life to. really like this addition it gives depth and a sense of a something beyond being a tree
Now millions, just born, crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse. Corpse seems too blunt, I know that the just born's are feeding off her but even in death she is still providing shelter and food Corpse is shocking and I guess that's what you are going for but it just seems to me there is more to her.


original

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, collapsing.
Crumbles gather in the cracks;
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
now millions crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.