Water and Sky (Thread Closed)

[hesawacko]

Howdy, 
somewhat new at this myself... so take everything with a grain of salt.  I think the poem has merit and instills some thought, but feels a bit choppy with maybe too many words and maybe replacing some with more "descriptive" or "provocative" words?  adding a few notes below.

Hi, I would love to hear some feedback about my poem. Thanks.
 

Water and Sky

Once I stood on the top of a tide.   (do you need "once"... seems a more provocative open to say "I stood on top of the tide"  ...maybe?)
Since I was so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.
(again, "since I was" maybe not necessary... could be"So high, I shut my eyes"

Then I reached out my hand to touch the sky.  
Air slipped through my fingers, so I opened my eyes.


I glanced below, and saw no tide.
(could this be more provocative, same idea - and teeing up "cornered" in next line, which i like a lot)
I was cornered by shallow water on every side. 

From now on, I will not shut my eyes.
("from now on" seems too many words, maybe just "now" or "nevermore, will i shut my eyes" - maybe too corny?  also feels like this line could be the last line, or flip-flopped with the line below  **note: the last line also feels like it could be condensed down to fewer words too)
I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie.

 

OK.  So that's a lot of feedback... but i think really its just condensing more and making every word matter.  I do like the feeling and emotion conveyed in your poem.  Nice stuff & thanks for sharing!