12-15-2016, 02:35 AM
Hi, wacko. You might consider changing "for you" to "you know" or something that would be a more natural lead-in to avoid the awkwardness of the inversion. You might also think about standard punctuation and capitalization of sentence starts, it might ease the read. Nice description of the ook, good last line.
(12-15-2016, 02:08 AM)hesawacko Wrote: Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully. Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this. I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
LOVE AND PUKE
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips