01-06-2017, 11:57 AM
"Interpretations"
I pretended not to look
as she carved her back
into a statue, and cracked it.
We were the only ones
in the library, and I was reading 5
her vertebrae like a poem
I couldn’t understand.
Always a fan of compression and ambiguity in poetry. Here the ambiguity seems to represent how people can become consumed with interpreting others' behavior. It even flirts with being meta with the metaphor on lines 6 - 7 since the ambiguity of her actions is like the ambiguity of the poem — this is awesome!
However, two areas left me wanting more.
Line 4 comes off as flat — if not irrelevant. I understand you're aiming for ambiguity, but using descriptive language can be as equally vague (and more interesting) within a certain context. Why this information is important to the poem is unclear to me as well. It might be more compelling if the library was filled with people — despite the distracting crowd, the speaker remains fixated on the girl's actions.
I'm sure you've heard the advice "Show, don't tell" before, and it can be applied to the metaphor on the last two lines. Try to find another way to express this idea more subtly without explaining it. You could use words to describe/indicate her back like "spine" or "lines" whose double meanings suggest books and poetry.
There are some other (smaller) aspects that could be considered for revision, too...
A bit more enjambment would increase the tension/surprise such as the one on line 5. For example, you could break line 1 like "I pretended not / to look..." which would help reinforce the falsehood of looking away.
The assonance of "a" in "back... statue... cracked" presents a solid connection between the words, but I feel you could do more with the poem's overall prosody.
The word "carved" seems forced to me. In an effort to write a cohesive metaphor, the word attempts to evoke the image of sculpting, yet suggests self mutilation instead. If this conflict was intentional, try bringing it out more. Although, this interpretation might just be me.
The conceptual structure of the poem is just thrilling, and the majority of its implementation is solid. However, developing its music and description would help make it more compelling/dramatic!
I pretended not to look
as she carved her back
into a statue, and cracked it.
We were the only ones
in the library, and I was reading 5
her vertebrae like a poem
I couldn’t understand.
Always a fan of compression and ambiguity in poetry. Here the ambiguity seems to represent how people can become consumed with interpreting others' behavior. It even flirts with being meta with the metaphor on lines 6 - 7 since the ambiguity of her actions is like the ambiguity of the poem — this is awesome!
However, two areas left me wanting more.
Line 4 comes off as flat — if not irrelevant. I understand you're aiming for ambiguity, but using descriptive language can be as equally vague (and more interesting) within a certain context. Why this information is important to the poem is unclear to me as well. It might be more compelling if the library was filled with people — despite the distracting crowd, the speaker remains fixated on the girl's actions.
I'm sure you've heard the advice "Show, don't tell" before, and it can be applied to the metaphor on the last two lines. Try to find another way to express this idea more subtly without explaining it. You could use words to describe/indicate her back like "spine" or "lines" whose double meanings suggest books and poetry.
There are some other (smaller) aspects that could be considered for revision, too...
A bit more enjambment would increase the tension/surprise such as the one on line 5. For example, you could break line 1 like "I pretended not / to look..." which would help reinforce the falsehood of looking away.
The assonance of "a" in "back... statue... cracked" presents a solid connection between the words, but I feel you could do more with the poem's overall prosody.
The word "carved" seems forced to me. In an effort to write a cohesive metaphor, the word attempts to evoke the image of sculpting, yet suggests self mutilation instead. If this conflict was intentional, try bringing it out more. Although, this interpretation might just be me.
The conceptual structure of the poem is just thrilling, and the majority of its implementation is solid. However, developing its music and description would help make it more compelling/dramatic!
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson