01-13-2017, 01:53 PM
Your use of rhyme creates an easy-reading experience, but it's often at the expense of meaning & appropriate vocabulary - for example, 'drips that haven't come to rest' is filler that doesn't contribute to the topic of your poem, and 'slime' might not be the best image for vomit. There's also a contrast between the negative tone of your poem, and the goal of 'humorous poetry' that you have in mind. Without the use of rhyme, and punchline in the last stanza, your poem seems to be a dreary account of fatherhood, containing mostly negative imagery. Your vocabulary is always correct in terms of its literal or primary meaning (denotation,) but is often out of place when it comes to the ideas or feelings that a word invokes (connotation.) For example, the word 'numb' has apathetic, uncaring connotations, directly contrasting the idea provided by 'for you, i'll be here every time.' It's the little things like these that make or break a poem, and in your revision and further writing, I encourage you to focus more on the tone that you want to create, and make vocabulary choices that match.