02-07-2017, 07:03 PM
Water and Sky
I once stood on top of the tide,
I was up so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.
Then I reached out to touch the sky.
The air slipped through my fingers,
And I opened my eyes.
I glanced below.
There was no tide.
Shallow water had walled me off,
From each and every side.
As the walls closed in,
I vowed to myself.
Never again,
Will I close these eyes.
I'm new to poetry, and the following suggestions are mere opinions.
I feel as if the third stanza and the last stanza isn't dramatic enough, so I've changed it a bit. The entire poem didn't feel as strong as it could be (?) so I've changed a bit regarding the shallow water cornering the guy, overall I feel as if the idea behind the poem could be much more emphasized if you'd used stronger wording.
I once stood on top of the tide,
I was up so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.
Then I reached out to touch the sky.
The air slipped through my fingers,
And I opened my eyes.
I glanced below.
There was no tide.
Shallow water had walled me off,
From each and every side.
As the walls closed in,
I vowed to myself.
Never again,
Will I close these eyes.
I'm new to poetry, and the following suggestions are mere opinions.
I feel as if the third stanza and the last stanza isn't dramatic enough, so I've changed it a bit. The entire poem didn't feel as strong as it could be (?) so I've changed a bit regarding the shallow water cornering the guy, overall I feel as if the idea behind the poem could be much more emphasized if you'd used stronger wording.