02-27-2017, 01:29 AM
Hi litQueen, welcome to the site!
Some general thoughts:
The area you may want to focus on in making this stronger is to add more concrete detail. Because while I like the wordplay between the lines (end/ended and so forth) this is a short poem to be using repetition and wordplay to the degree you do without much content. I'm not saying that you need to overflow with backstory here but a few specific details added in a tight narrative would probably allow this poem to have some tension and some stakes. Nothing right now feels at stake so the poem comes off serviceable but emotionally flat. I do like the idea of the fireworks and the sitting on dynamite conclusion. You could play with the metaphor a bit more and start with anticipation or a fuse of sorts. The since day one can probably be cut from the text and just serve as a title dynamite is a better word to end on.
Not bad at all for a first post and you can develop this. I hope the comments help some.
Best,
Todd
Some general thoughts:
The area you may want to focus on in making this stronger is to add more concrete detail. Because while I like the wordplay between the lines (end/ended and so forth) this is a short poem to be using repetition and wordplay to the degree you do without much content. I'm not saying that you need to overflow with backstory here but a few specific details added in a tight narrative would probably allow this poem to have some tension and some stakes. Nothing right now feels at stake so the poem comes off serviceable but emotionally flat. I do like the idea of the fireworks and the sitting on dynamite conclusion. You could play with the metaphor a bit more and start with anticipation or a fuse of sorts. The since day one can probably be cut from the text and just serve as a title dynamite is a better word to end on.
Not bad at all for a first post and you can develop this. I hope the comments help some.
Best,
Todd
(02-27-2017, 12:36 AM)litQueen Wrote: It started with you,
This year...
This year,
Won't end with you.
I ended you,
and me.
Us,
As the fireworks,
Just a show.
Red and green and gold...
And then only blackness.
We've been sitting on dynamite,
-since day one
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson