Pops

[Teeky]

Edit 1

As a kid This opening line is great at setting the scene with a reminiscent tone.
I played baseball without a glove, -nice rapid change from reminiscence to death of innocence via societal masculinity echoed through remainder of
I built my house.                          S1 and resets the tone for the rest of the poem. 
with Father from wood 
cut from the oak.
The last two lines seem repetitive somehow, although I enjoy the imagery invoked by the metaphor and the implicit disconnectedness (like objectivity rather than raw emotion) or sense of impending darkness. I interpret I built my house both literally and also metaphorically as in I made my bed and now must lie in it.

I grew up quick,
fell in love quicker,
found work at a toy store,
six months and I quit. This stanza feels like a filler, although I see how it prefaces the rest of the marital/family story. I enjoy the connection between growing up and working at a toy store. Quitting here is almost like quitting childhood, which echoes the death of innocence I felt in the first stanza. Not sure if the first two lines feel like a cliché, I like the abruptness of the last two.

I do's, signed away life.
Recruiter said son you're great.
Saying son never felt right. The last two lines of this stanza are really unique and masterfully understated. There may be more impactful terms for marriage and its burden than "I do's" and signing away life. Maybe something that makes the word recruiter feel more included in this stanza?

Vacation turned tragedy,
haunted by loss,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
left her alone. I wonder if this vacation tragedy and the car crash are the same incident? Did the son die here? Good stanza, I wonder if capitalising the last line would add to the impact and clarify the meaning as to who left what alone (the antidepressants or the first person?)

Car crash halfed my sight,
I cover it with a patch
I got from a dollar store. Is "halfed" used intentionally rather than halved? If so it matches "I got" in this stanza but seems unusual language compared with the rest of the preceding stanzas.

Military don't care about you, This matches the aforementioned unusual language, but is consistent with the overall tone of the poem.  
they say son go here
knowing damn well I can't.

Thirteen years half blinds
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate Half blinds? Is the "s" a typo? Great stanza and linking to the intro.

sure it's a pretty home;
corner of remembrance,
crosses on the wall,
but the foundation's spent
years hiding what's wrong. This is one of my favourite stanzas, it could work as a short poem on its own! Great imagery and metaphor. I like the causation of years hiding on a spent foundation.

Today I leave my wife
my kids, my life,
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye. Really great and powerful ending line, however I'm unsure as to why the character is leaving his family and life and how its related to seeing "behind the blind eye"

[i]Original

I grew up poor,
played baseball without a glove,
I built my house
with Father with wood cut
from the oak next door.

Our backyard was a jungle
of essentials, apples to aloe
Mama could cook
long as the fruit hung low.

I grew up quick,
found work at a toy store,
fell in love even quicker,
six months and I quit.

Military bound after wedding vows,
I learned I'm a genius
that couldn't raise kids.

Car crash halfed my sight,
haunted by a lost son,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
leave her alone.

Military don't care about you,
I learned on a transfer
to a job I couldn't do.

Thirteen years half blind
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate.

Today I left my wife
my kids, my life,
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye.[/i]

Please forgive me as this is my first critique on poetry so I have tried to share my interpretations in the hope that this gives you some insight into a readers perspective to show where some things may be misinterpreted and just some personal opinions if they're worth anything

I chose this poem as it really spoke to me as a compelling narrative of an ordinary (American) man's life. I love that I get to witness the subtly personal experiences that have shaped the character and how it opens and closes around the family house. I also loved all the nuances that chosen words and sentence structures gave. The finishing lines I find provocative and beautiful as I am left wondering what the character will find behind his eye and what it all means.

I look forward to reading more of your work.