03-03-2017, 11:53 PM
Hi there,
"It started with you,
This year..."
The addition 'this year' is in my eyes to 'earthly' or concrete even, but that might be the approach you're going for. I would personally make this sequence a bit more abstract by simply keeping the core essence but switching around the wording.
"Guiding me through the crowds of people,
Your hand on my back."
Maybe skip 'the people', purely on feeling you will already catch the 'of people'. And by not saying it, it gives a different dynamic/tension to 'guiding me through the crowds'.
"Your hand on my back.
Guiding me,"
Maybe without 'on my back' it makes it a bit more epic. By leaving it out people are free to think what the hand is doing. Are they touching you? Are you holding hands? Are they on your back? Either way, you're not taking away the fact that they are guiding you so the imagery stays intact.
"I will not give up on you."
As I slowly lit the fuse
To ignite my heart.
Something about 'lit the fluse' and 'ignite my heart' is unappealing. For a big part it speaks cliché. So again, you could keep the core essence fully intact but simply mess around with your wording.
"I ended you,
And me,"
Like this. It's short and sweet.
"Us.
Like the fireworks,
Just a temporary show.
Red and green and gold...
And then only blackness."
This is the right metaphorical approach but the fireworks metaphor doesn't feel nice to me. The opening 'Us.' is powerful. The 'red and green and gold'-sequence - I see what you were trying to portray, give a nice kind of saturation to the metaphor but it doesn't feel interconnected within the scheme. My mind automatically tries to find a meaning as to why those colours, but I can't find it.
"We've been sitting on dynamite."
Don't like the word dynamite, it's kinda played out.
--
Sorry if I'm hard on you, but this is just my analysis in all honesty ;p. I really enjoy the fact that you write out of heart, so keep it up.
Peace
"It started with you,
This year..."
The addition 'this year' is in my eyes to 'earthly' or concrete even, but that might be the approach you're going for. I would personally make this sequence a bit more abstract by simply keeping the core essence but switching around the wording.
"Guiding me through the crowds of people,
Your hand on my back."
Maybe skip 'the people', purely on feeling you will already catch the 'of people'. And by not saying it, it gives a different dynamic/tension to 'guiding me through the crowds'.
"Your hand on my back.
Guiding me,"
Maybe without 'on my back' it makes it a bit more epic. By leaving it out people are free to think what the hand is doing. Are they touching you? Are you holding hands? Are they on your back? Either way, you're not taking away the fact that they are guiding you so the imagery stays intact.
"I will not give up on you."
As I slowly lit the fuse
To ignite my heart.
Something about 'lit the fluse' and 'ignite my heart' is unappealing. For a big part it speaks cliché. So again, you could keep the core essence fully intact but simply mess around with your wording.
"I ended you,
And me,"
Like this. It's short and sweet.
"Us.
Like the fireworks,
Just a temporary show.
Red and green and gold...
And then only blackness."
This is the right metaphorical approach but the fireworks metaphor doesn't feel nice to me. The opening 'Us.' is powerful. The 'red and green and gold'-sequence - I see what you were trying to portray, give a nice kind of saturation to the metaphor but it doesn't feel interconnected within the scheme. My mind automatically tries to find a meaning as to why those colours, but I can't find it.
"We've been sitting on dynamite."
Don't like the word dynamite, it's kinda played out.
--
Sorry if I'm hard on you, but this is just my analysis in all honesty ;p. I really enjoy the fact that you write out of heart, so keep it up.
Peace