The Young Queen (edit #1)
#2
(03-07-2017, 06:37 PM)worros Wrote:  Ekphrastic for creative writing

image

She was a stranger to hate,
Coddled since her dawn.
With her elegant gait,
She walked with her brawn. .... a foot missing. And 'brawn' is an abstract noun. Its atypical use here only serves to make the rhyme sound more forced

Til' the reaper calls his name,
He is sworn to her side.
For her death would be his blame, .... 'for' suggests that because her death would be his blame, he is sworn to her side. That isn't quite right.
Safety he would provide. .... inverting the word order here again, serves only to make the rhyme look forced

As the two entered town, 
A crowd forms in protest. ... tense change
They shout and mock the crown, ...wait....she is royalty and can't afford to hire more than a single guard??
And quetch of being oppressed. ... are you sure the word can be used thus?

"Why is it me they resent?"
The queen thought audibly.
"They're only jealous that you're blest."
Her guard said deludingly

With the guard locked on her eyes,
A man emerged from the crowd.
Into her sides went two steel knives, ... random.
Her once blue dress became a dark red shroud.

The guard stood in shock, ...well, he was only one against an entire crowd, so what was he thinking?
For the young Queen was reaped.
Soon spread the flock, ...why?
And the guard sat in defeat.
For an ekphrastic, it might work better if you focus on the scene and forget about a longer narrative. Forget about the steel knives, for one.
Edit: to put it more bluntly, the rhymes are forced, the meter dodgy, and the narrative cartoonish.. It needs a complete rewrite.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Messages In This Thread
The Young Queen (edit #1) - by worros - 03-07-2017, 06:37 PM
RE: The Young Queen - by Achebe - 03-07-2017, 08:48 PM
RE: The Young Queen - by nibbed - 03-07-2017, 11:41 PM
RE: The Young Queen (edit #1) - by CRNDLSM - 03-12-2017, 07:57 AM



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