03-10-2017, 04:33 AM
Very interesting suggestions! I immediately copied them into the poem file to see how they work. This is what I came up with from your suggestions:
Not only in the Son, or in his church,
or in his father's book of fears –
or in Death’s sickle come to claim us –
but in our hearts and tears, and in this old
broken chair losing stuffing to the floor.
In my life, God is also there,
If God is at all. / If there is a God at all.
I'm not sure I like that better than what is already there, but I'll mull it over. To me, the final line of the third stanza reads smoothly, but I'm apparently not seeing what you are.
The interesting thing about this poem is that the first three lines of the third stanza took me a decade to write. What was there originally was just drivel. Persistence paid off.
Thank you for noticing the internal and off rhymes. Try as I might, I can't do perfect end rhymes, though I love the sound of them.
Thanks for your comments!
Not only in the Son, or in his church,
or in his father's book of fears –
or in Death’s sickle come to claim us –
but in our hearts and tears, and in this old
broken chair losing stuffing to the floor.
In my life, God is also there,
If God is at all. / If there is a God at all.
I'm not sure I like that better than what is already there, but I'll mull it over. To me, the final line of the third stanza reads smoothly, but I'm apparently not seeing what you are.
The interesting thing about this poem is that the first three lines of the third stanza took me a decade to write. What was there originally was just drivel. Persistence paid off.
Thank you for noticing the internal and off rhymes. Try as I might, I can't do perfect end rhymes, though I love the sound of them.
Thanks for your comments!