when walls fall edit #1

[ellajam]

Hi, OD, there's a lot here that works well, I've put some notes below.

*so I haven't been active for a few months, and I haven't been writing at all. This was my first attempt at getting back in to writing consistently again. I know it needs work, so advice would be great, even if to say it isn't worth editing. Thank you for your feedback! 

when walls fall

 
brick by brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall Nice opening.
 
storm after storm
sought to breech
but drop after drop
never could reach
The rhyme scheme here sets up an expectation that is not met, I would change it.
 
day after day
onslaught persisted
chip, chip, chip
weathered, but not eroded
I have a hard time reconciling "not eroded" with chip and "what remained".
 
what remained was polished
what survived was proud
crude brick to delicate marble I think delicate might be the wrong word here.
drive-by to modern marvel nice
 
One by one
they came to witness
one by one
they smiled and posed good image
 
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
but blemishes couldn’t shake I can't quite make sense of this line.
 
until a warm pair of lips
met the wall like the first sip
of a warm cup of tea
chilling its very foundation While I like this direction, I'm not sure how you get to chilling.
 
kiss after kiss
not harsh like a storm
kiss after kiss
not an unwanted grope yes this
 
kiss after kiss
wore the wall down to a rock
kiss after kiss
wore the rock down to a stone You may be able to lose the "down"s here.
 
kiss after kiss
left the stone a grain of sand
nothing left to kiss
nothing left to stand

My notes may be a bit much for Basic but I hope they help.