03-13-2017, 02:53 PM
I'll echo what previous posters said about the mother's cupboard part, but add a little advice since I know its personal:
If you intend to bring in a part of the speakers life into the poem, you need to do better than just one refrain; add more complexity to the poem and tell us more about the speaker through comparisons to autumn, especially of color. As for right now, though, take it out. The current incarnation of the poem seems more inclined towards imagery and observation than of retrospection.
That being said, the rest of the poem doesn't suffer from the same "forced" impression the cupboard line gives, and flows quite nicely, although the word choices in rhyme seem a bit sophomoric.
If you intend to bring in a part of the speakers life into the poem, you need to do better than just one refrain; add more complexity to the poem and tell us more about the speaker through comparisons to autumn, especially of color. As for right now, though, take it out. The current incarnation of the poem seems more inclined towards imagery and observation than of retrospection.
That being said, the rest of the poem doesn't suffer from the same "forced" impression the cupboard line gives, and flows quite nicely, although the word choices in rhyme seem a bit sophomoric.