Preamble

[Todd]

Some initial thoughts--slice of life narrative that could be tightened up with some cuts and not lose much. 

Ten shins were bundled tight
beneath the knotty alder table
supporting our glasses.--Don't think you need these three lines. They seem unimportant for the moment. It isn't about the shins, table, or glasses.

It was Dean’s cabin,
and he sat at the table’s head--Same with these two lines. To this point, everything feels too flat to be an interesting opening. Possibly you could join a bit of this to the strophe below and try:

Dean drank whiskey like a scoundrel (This line would be a stronger idea to lead with in my opinion).
getting ready for a crime
I drank slowly... 
drinking whiskey like a scoundrel
getting ready for a crime.

I drank slowly, measuring the eyes
of the girl opposite me, watching the hands--Very nice break. I like the shift from girl to clock.
of the grandfather clock as it neared it’s chime.--typo: its

The girl’s father had been in the army,
and she would move from base to base--This also is a fun break and simile.
like a leadoff hitter headed home.

She had met Dean at a bar a few weeks ago,
and he told me she was an angry fuck,
biting and scratching until she came.--If we are going here, then I think you can reflect on how unimportant the table is.

She brought two friends,
a slim blonde with crooked teeth,
and a short brunette with grey eyes.--The focus on only appearance sets the right tone for the themes you're working with.

They looked like college girls,
draped in cardigans with their thighs
wrapped in neon jeans.--Good concrete description

I pretended to be interested
in their stories.

Just some thoughts to consider.

Best,

Todd