03-26-2017, 07:50 AM
Hello Wonderfullife,
This is my first time giving feedback like this for a poem online, so it is fitting that you noted this is your first poem. First of all, I am going to go against the grain here and say that I liked the image of the mother's cupboard being compared to the first snow. I actually think you should write a whole poem just about that image.
Secondly, when it comes to rhyming, it's usually best to use longer lines. The reason for this is that shorter rhyming lines are often associated with nursery rhymes and humorous poems. I think you're going for a serious tone in your poem, so longer lines would help you communicate that better. As well, I think almost every poet goes through a time when they feel they need to rhyme, so if you are committed to rhyming, keep at it and think about using a rhyming dictionary. I know they have often helped me when writing in rhyming verse.
Overall, I see a lot potential in your poem, and it actually reminds me of my own poetry from about fifteen years ago. I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the future.
Keep on writing,
Richard
This is my first time giving feedback like this for a poem online, so it is fitting that you noted this is your first poem. First of all, I am going to go against the grain here and say that I liked the image of the mother's cupboard being compared to the first snow. I actually think you should write a whole poem just about that image.
Secondly, when it comes to rhyming, it's usually best to use longer lines. The reason for this is that shorter rhyming lines are often associated with nursery rhymes and humorous poems. I think you're going for a serious tone in your poem, so longer lines would help you communicate that better. As well, I think almost every poet goes through a time when they feel they need to rhyme, so if you are committed to rhyming, keep at it and think about using a rhyming dictionary. I know they have often helped me when writing in rhyming verse.
Overall, I see a lot potential in your poem, and it actually reminds me of my own poetry from about fifteen years ago. I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the future.
Keep on writing,
Richard