04-01-2017, 12:11 PM
Hello benyamind,
I like your language use in the second stanza:
A sacred combination.
An enumeration.
Multiple components that together reach divine property.
An essence; a motion.
All intertwined in the odyssey.
In my opinion, you should start the poem over with this stanza, and then spend the rest of the poem developing the ideas that come from this stanza. For example, you could talk about why the combination (I am assuming this is referring to the heart and mind) is so sacred. From there you could almost have a stanza expanding on the idea your present in each line here.
I would also suggest putting extra focus on the idea of the odyssey. Why are the mind and heart going on an odyssey, or is trying to unite them the odyssey itself? I think this is a wonderful idea that needs to be explored more, but with less of a binary metaphor and more of an appeal to emotion. As well, if the mind and heart are soul-mates, then that means they are madly in love with each other. How would this sort of relationship affect their odyssey? In closing, I look forward to seeing where you take some of the ideas in this poem from here.
Keep writing,
Richard
I like your language use in the second stanza:
A sacred combination.
An enumeration.
Multiple components that together reach divine property.
An essence; a motion.
All intertwined in the odyssey.
In my opinion, you should start the poem over with this stanza, and then spend the rest of the poem developing the ideas that come from this stanza. For example, you could talk about why the combination (I am assuming this is referring to the heart and mind) is so sacred. From there you could almost have a stanza expanding on the idea your present in each line here.
I would also suggest putting extra focus on the idea of the odyssey. Why are the mind and heart going on an odyssey, or is trying to unite them the odyssey itself? I think this is a wonderful idea that needs to be explored more, but with less of a binary metaphor and more of an appeal to emotion. As well, if the mind and heart are soul-mates, then that means they are madly in love with each other. How would this sort of relationship affect their odyssey? In closing, I look forward to seeing where you take some of the ideas in this poem from here.
Keep writing,
Richard