04-26-2017, 07:45 AM
Amateur here - just my thoughts!
I like the idea behind this poem and I like the emotion you've captured!
That said, I think I want to feel the shock of being in shallow water a bit more.
I think removing some unnecessary words (as other have suggested) could help.
I would change: 'I was cornered by shallow water or every side' to 'cornered by shallow water on every side' or even 'shallow water on every side'.
I would also take Alexis of Wonderland's suggestion to change the second last line to 'No longer will I shut my eyes'
and I would end it there, removing 'I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie'.
I like the idea behind this poem and I like the emotion you've captured!
That said, I think I want to feel the shock of being in shallow water a bit more.
I think removing some unnecessary words (as other have suggested) could help.
I would change: 'I was cornered by shallow water or every side' to 'cornered by shallow water on every side' or even 'shallow water on every side'.
I would also take Alexis of Wonderland's suggestion to change the second last line to 'No longer will I shut my eyes'
and I would end it there, removing 'I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie'.