Beetle Wife

[LunaDeLore]

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and 
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer. 
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks 
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic 
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned

wordgobbler,

This piece contains some harsh stuff. The first three lines are a big turn off. I don't think it's wise to associate the beetle wife's blood with the taste of spring. Doing so is like saying "hey, this stuff is tasty" and it's not. Furthermore, I think you should open in a way that supplies the reader with something relative to domestic violence. Comparing it to how boys smash bugs is fine but how do we know your comparing domestic to the beetle wife? I also agree with tectak concerning your grammar and metaphor.

Overall, I think with a little rethinking and some thoughtful revision that you'll have a good poem.

Keep Writing

Luna