05-04-2017, 02:15 PM
***As somebody who took up left-brained pursuits in my younger days but who more and more is interested in more right-brained activities, this generally resonated with me. It was easy for me to read it several times.
Always looking.
Looking around.
Looking within.
Looking for something.
Something to grab.
Only to realize;
It is a combination of things we already have.
A sacred combination.
An enumeration.
Multiple components that together reach divine property.
An essence; a motion.
All intertwined in the odyssey.
But, oh yes, the mind forgets.
The mind and its neurons are like zeros and ones. *** Not sure how the punctuation should be but I'd somehow get rid of the "are" even tho' a verb would be lacking on this line.
Maybe change to "The mind and it's neurons of zeros and ones" ? Something like that ... not sure.
Binary. Unable to perceive two. *** "perceive", I guess work as the verb if this is read as a continuation of the prior line. Not sure exactly.
Three.
Four...
Or the inbetweens.
Sometimes unaware of time:
Zero.
No time.
Sometimes aware of Time:
One.
A second.
But almost, álmost never aware of the beautiful decimals.
The heart is the kickstart to the mind, ***kickstart*** loses the imagery for me a tad. I dunno. Maybe something like "The heart starts the mind's iteration"... just a thought. I'm sure other phrases would work.
Able to pump a powerful lifestream of bliss.
A lifestream of bliss flowing through this mathematical maze of zeros and ones.
The mind will often perceive this as a glitch in its matrix. *** "will often" sounds somewhat too wordy. Shorten to "The mind perceives a matrix glitch" or "Temporarily, the mind perceives a matrix glitch" or ??? depending upon the meter you want???
But, oh yes... The mind is a powerful, impeccable tool. ***not sure but maybe "This" mind "or" this mind concept" or ???. reads too much from an encyclopedia if that makes any sense.
... when it wants to be.
So it adapts.
And learns.
And for brief moments it doesn't feel trapped in its matrix. *** "feel trapped" ... maybe jettison this? or reword? simply "it is untrapped" or even (more colorful?) something like "it is unsnared" (Google *seems* to have these as words but even if they should turn out to be false words, maybe a poetic lisc can be exercised .... not an expert on this stuff!)
It sees opportunity.
Progression.
It sees purpose.
It is the mind that is looking for something;
The mind: A string of algorithms looking for divine property.
It is the heart that shows it is already there.
The heart: A motion of soul through the odyssey.
This comforts the mind; he found his friend.
His soulmate.
And in return, the mind frees her through its understanding.
Finally,
the heart is free again.
***Misc. Closing thoughts.
This is my 1st critique so be gentle on me!
The work flowed well with a good interesting theme.
All in all, I can say this. After reading your work and several others, I was compelled to jump in and comment in this particular thread. That in and off itself tells you something! Hope that my comments help in at least some small way... Cheers!
Always looking.
Looking around.
Looking within.
Looking for something.
Something to grab.
Only to realize;
It is a combination of things we already have.
A sacred combination.
An enumeration.
Multiple components that together reach divine property.
An essence; a motion.
All intertwined in the odyssey.
But, oh yes, the mind forgets.
The mind and its neurons are like zeros and ones. *** Not sure how the punctuation should be but I'd somehow get rid of the "are" even tho' a verb would be lacking on this line.
Maybe change to "The mind and it's neurons of zeros and ones" ? Something like that ... not sure.
Binary. Unable to perceive two. *** "perceive", I guess work as the verb if this is read as a continuation of the prior line. Not sure exactly.
Three.
Four...
Or the inbetweens.
Sometimes unaware of time:
Zero.
No time.
Sometimes aware of Time:
One.
A second.
But almost, álmost never aware of the beautiful decimals.
The heart is the kickstart to the mind, ***kickstart*** loses the imagery for me a tad. I dunno. Maybe something like "The heart starts the mind's iteration"... just a thought. I'm sure other phrases would work.
Able to pump a powerful lifestream of bliss.
A lifestream of bliss flowing through this mathematical maze of zeros and ones.
The mind will often perceive this as a glitch in its matrix. *** "will often" sounds somewhat too wordy. Shorten to "The mind perceives a matrix glitch" or "Temporarily, the mind perceives a matrix glitch" or ??? depending upon the meter you want???
But, oh yes... The mind is a powerful, impeccable tool. ***not sure but maybe "This" mind "or" this mind concept" or ???. reads too much from an encyclopedia if that makes any sense.
... when it wants to be.
So it adapts.
And learns.
And for brief moments it doesn't feel trapped in its matrix. *** "feel trapped" ... maybe jettison this? or reword? simply "it is untrapped" or even (more colorful?) something like "it is unsnared" (Google *seems* to have these as words but even if they should turn out to be false words, maybe a poetic lisc can be exercised .... not an expert on this stuff!)
It sees opportunity.
Progression.
It sees purpose.
It is the mind that is looking for something;
The mind: A string of algorithms looking for divine property.
It is the heart that shows it is already there.
The heart: A motion of soul through the odyssey.
This comforts the mind; he found his friend.
His soulmate.
And in return, the mind frees her through its understanding.
Finally,
the heart is free again.
***Misc. Closing thoughts.
This is my 1st critique so be gentle on me!
The work flowed well with a good interesting theme.
All in all, I can say this. After reading your work and several others, I was compelled to jump in and comment in this particular thread. That in and off itself tells you something! Hope that my comments help in at least some small way... Cheers!