05-08-2017, 09:01 PM
I think is poem very nicely couples the nightmares of having a child with the delights of being a parent, and the love that comes with it. In terms of the structuring and a few words, I would definately advise that some changes be made.
Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully. Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this. I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
LOVE AND PUKE-[I suggest that a less informal term for the word 'puke' be employed.]
Warm and wetNice alliteration here. Of course, not only puke is warm and wet, so it creates a more open range of interpretations.
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to restYou do a great job of giving life to the flowing substance, but 'haven't' seems to convey an eternally dripping chest. I suggest that 'don't' be employed instead.
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every timeIt would look a lot nicer if 'For you' were placed on this line. I find the two word line slightly awkward.
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed I think the first word of this sentence should tie with the first word of the previous sentence, by sharing the same number of syllables as well as the same beginning letter. Maybe 'perish' would be more effective.
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stickIs this a double entendre? It seems to refer to the quite literal 'stick' that a puke covered chest would cause when in contact with another one. If it is, it is a very smooth final joke.
[/quote]
Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully. Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this. I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
LOVE AND PUKE-[I suggest that a less informal term for the word 'puke' be employed.]
Warm and wetNice alliteration here. Of course, not only puke is warm and wet, so it creates a more open range of interpretations.
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to restYou do a great job of giving life to the flowing substance, but 'haven't' seems to convey an eternally dripping chest. I suggest that 'don't' be employed instead.
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every timeIt would look a lot nicer if 'For you' were placed on this line. I find the two word line slightly awkward.
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed I think the first word of this sentence should tie with the first word of the previous sentence, by sharing the same number of syllables as well as the same beginning letter. Maybe 'perish' would be more effective.
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stickIs this a double entendre? It seems to refer to the quite literal 'stick' that a puke covered chest would cause when in contact with another one. If it is, it is a very smooth final joke.
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