LOVE AND PUKE

[tectak]

Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully.  Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this.  I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
Hi heasa,
It is easy to crit work like this one on purely poetic grounds and I would usually leave it to to others who see and feel a commonality with the  the character ...trouble is, I feel that this is veracity verse, where the character and the writer are one and the same. For this reason I am going have a go at the poem in isolation. I noted that another crit began with "As a mom ...I love it!"; which begs a question. Oh, I am not a mom, so:
LOVE AND PUKE

Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matterI know this is funny. I know it rhymes. I know it scans...so all's well? No, not really. First off, the capitalising of each line is pseudo-poetic and an anachronism. Why do it? Well, I guess that the last poem you read was at school and the last poet was probaby 19th. century.   Though not everyone agrees, the practice is outmoded and only confuses. Next, but only a nit, by leaving the opener unqualified subject-wise you risk weakening the whole stanza...and the unrelated "it" is the concommitent result. We are not told what is warm and wet, we wait to find out, only to be told that whatever is warm and wet is but an "it". Yes, yes...I KNOW the title tells BUT it gets worse in the description department....slime cometh.
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime...slime in time saves rhyme...it is forced.

For you
I'll be here every time I am not always averse to no punctuation...it can work but not here. Not in a no scan, over-capitalised and randomly enjambed piece. You need some mortar to hold the bricks together. Don't get me wrong, it is STILL a fun read. This about structure not content.

Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed

No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick Same applies but cute ending

It is good...but can you write another poem or is this a one-off? It should be in the fun forum. Just say the word and I will move it.
Best,
tectak