05-09-2017, 03:21 AM
What I appreciate the most about this poem is the way in which you juxtapose the fragility of the beetle with the violence and mutilation which she is experiencing. You manage to convey the sense of anger and shock you must have felt very well.
( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs )
beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off
if you want, tastes like summer. I would be better to divide this sentence. I would suggest placing a full stop after 'if you want'.
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks- very nice comparisons, but uncombusted matchsticks do not shrink!!
wings ripped off and blown away with breath- You paint the wife as a very vulnerable and fragile being. I don't know how well that will go with feminism...
I am reminded of the meat market, plastic A comparison within a comparison... Interesting!!!
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood- the alliteration perfectly suits the violent imagery which you are trying to convey
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned- I find this final sentence very chilling and effective, but perhaps you could paint the sense of shock in a more poetic way?
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( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs )
beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off
if you want, tastes like summer. I would be better to divide this sentence. I would suggest placing a full stop after 'if you want'.
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks- very nice comparisons, but uncombusted matchsticks do not shrink!!
wings ripped off and blown away with breath- You paint the wife as a very vulnerable and fragile being. I don't know how well that will go with feminism...
I am reminded of the meat market, plastic A comparison within a comparison... Interesting!!!
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood- the alliteration perfectly suits the violent imagery which you are trying to convey
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned- I find this final sentence very chilling and effective, but perhaps you could paint the sense of shock in a more poetic way?
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