finally, a peace of mind

[67eager]

there are some brief moments in time
where my anxieties simply wash over me.
they accumulate and revolve around my head from the rainier days -I really love the way you compare the feeling of anxiety to water flushing around your head and body. You should explore it more throughout the whole poem
and then, in these times,
are thankfully let flowing, -I find this line somewhat awkward. Let flowing hardly makes a lot of sense to the reader,
gliding, slowly,
down and all along the
frail surface of my taut, worn skin
with the leisurely and gentle pull of earth's compelling gravity,
like a steaming morning shower right before you step out to brace the piercing chill of a cold, dark bedroom.-I completely understand the feeling of leaving a hot shower and you get it beautifully, but I am not quite sure what it is that you are comparing it to.
 
in these rare serene and blissful moments, i'm always prone to daydreaming. -Is anxiety blissful or am I missing out on something here?
i get lost in watching imaginations of my romantic fantasies
as if they were like melodramatic movie scenes.- Lovely alliteration here, whether deliberate or not.
staring into the infinite depths of an odd blank space somewhere in my field of vision,
i imagine being with you in this here and now, -You beautifully capture this contemplative state of mind. I can really picture it. Well done.
and being able, for once,
to spend at least one minute, second,
of this forever inevitably fleeting calmness with you, together,- -I think that 'together' is a bit unnecessary.
because my truest feelings for you have always only ever
been eclipsed by my fearful mind. -Aha celestial imagery. Bravo. 

but, oh,
the things that i would have the courage to do
if only you were here right now,
and, if only you could know -'And' can go too I think, and 'could know' could be simplified into knew
all of the things that i would finally not be so afraid to say.
they wouldn't be very
majestic, or magnificent,
or monumental, either, Another m alliteration. I like it a lot
but they'd be so much more than
the distant,
bleak,
cold
nothingness
that you've only ever received from me. -I like the ending to this stanza.

because, past that pitch black, dark coal moon of anxious fear -'Dark coal moon' is a very interesting oxymoron.
that hangs itself up above, amidst the hollow night sky
inside of my otherwise vacant skull, Are you trying to say that all your thought is devoted to this person?
there waits, sleeping
in the chambers of my heart, 'I like chambers'- very original 
an embracing, lung-filling, candle-warm cloud of delicate fog
that hums, -Beautiful imagery, but I'' not quite sure what it is that you're referencing
lowly and softly
with the evening orange of a setting sun,
and it desperately wants to clasp all five fingers of my nervous hand
between the middles of all five of the worry-soothing fingers on yours, -Very clever juxtaposition of your feeble 'nervous hand', and your belover's strong, 'worry soothing' hands. Encapsulates love pretty much...
and to fill the creases and valleys of your grasping palm- Wow, again you have successfully provided large world imagery to talk about small fragments of the human anatomy. Very impressive.
as it calmly rests inside of mine. 

but i waited too long to actually show you this secluded love,
and then, although for other outside reasons,
you finally said that you had had enough.
we aren't together anymore,
and to you it never even felt like we
ever really were at all. Ohhh I like the chilling ambiguity of this line. I comfortably prompts me to enquire about the identity of the narrator. Is he/she merely a broken hearted person out of a relationship? Or is it a lot more dark? Is this narrator actually just a delusional soul? Very well done again.
so now,
all that i can really do
with this love that i have got
is just lie hopelessly in bed,
lying in despair, lying flat on my back,
constantly regretting that i
never gave you what i always had. -You finely describe regret- an intrinsic part of any romantic affair.

and the thoughts of what we could have been, all along, all of this time,
are always there, -Perhaps the following two lines could just go on this one? I know the reason why you're making 'inside' a stand alone line, but I believe it's just not effective enough. I would look a lot nicer if it were coupled with other words.
inside,
endlessly echoing
among the empty, white bone walls of my mind.- Another chilling line of poetry. 
they are razor blades
meticulously peeling away
at the polished deep burgundy skin
of a giant "red delicious" apple that's rotting in decay. Is this a heart you're describing? If so, it's better not to use adventurous/experimental metaphors, since the idea of a heart alone is abstract.
they're tearing me up.
oh, they're tearing me up
and they're tearing me apart. -These three lines just sound a bit too lyrical and almost gospel like. While this would be appropriate to employ on a Sunday morning baptist church, it just doesn't seem to fit here.

but, we're still always going to be real close friends, that's what we both said at the very end of all of this,- 'Real' sounds a bit too informal. Think of a more adventurous adverb to describe the strength of your acquaintance.
because we both know that we both do still like one another,
it's just that we can't stay together,
you can't stay in this
god damned
situation
that a
devil
put
us
in. -I really love the detached geometry of this final line. It carries on with the dark and chilling motif of the whole poem, with a Big Bang.



Overall. I think this poem is definately a great start and effort, and some the passages within it are I ply beautiful, but you need to be sure that what you are writing would be able to maintain the attention of the reader for as long as you would like him to. Make more frequent use of the generalisations which you use when describing love, rather than just discussing a mediocre personal anecdote as the force of the poem.